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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Round 6: HALFWAY!!

We are officially halfway! Or, we will be as of Thursday afternoon. It is really so wonderful to have finally reached this point. 6 down, 6 to go. Kent has unfortunately felt pretty miserable so far, but he is hanging in there. He is getting a lot of sleep, which will be good for him.

Big news for this cycle:

    10% chemo reduction. They think that the side effects that he has been experiencing, and some that were more severe this last time, are a little too much to maintain the current dosage. This round there will be 10% less poison! Next round may go right back to normal if the side effects don't change, or it could possibly go down. Don't worry though, the doctor is confidant that the 10% change will NOT mean a higher chance of the cancer sticking around. It should still be just as effective at this stage of things.

I told you all a little about J last week. We saw her again today and thought I would share a little more about her. Today it was really sad to see the devastation on her face. She got some bad news in a recent CT scan. She has stage 4 colon cancer which metastasized to her liver. They hoped the chemo for the colon cancer would help the liver cancer, but the tumors are not shrinking. The blessing, they aren't growing either. Because of these new developments, her husband came with her to her treatment today to get all the information and the new treatment plan. At the beginning of the appointment I am not with Kent, they only take the patients back. While I waited I got to know her husband a bit. It was really sad to hear his concern and worry, and I could relate in many ways. This blog isn't about me, so please forgive this quick switch to my side of treatments.

I spoke with J's husband about the treatments and how he was doing. Frankly, he said, he was not doing well.  He has been told the same things I have been told. "This isn't about you, so stop being selfish" "It isn't like you are the one with the cancer" "You aren't the one going through this, your spouse is" etc. He told me today that he wishes people could understand that as family we are going through treatments too. We don't feel the sickness, but we feel helpless as we can't change it, as we watch them go through pain, sickness, testing, etc. It really isn't easy being the "caregiver" because most of the care we can give is simply sitting there and watching it all take place. There is no cure for the cure. We also talked about the many "good intentions" comments we have had directed at us. For instance "Happy Mothers' Day. I hope you aren't a widow next year and that your son doesn't grow up without a father."

...

What do you say to that? Or as J's husband shared with me today... "My sister's best friends wife had that same cancer. She was dead 3 months later."

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Again, what do you say?

I don't bring this up to make anyone double think what they have said to me.  I am so grateful for the love and support you have all shown us. It was just... refreshing to hear from someone else who is experiencing similar things, hear that they have learned to accept the good intentions from others, even if they kind of hurt sometimes. I for one am terrible with words. I never say what I really want to say, or feel like I should say. Somehow it always gets mixed up, so I am sure I have probably been one of those "good intentions" comments at some point, and I hope whoever it was understood what I meant instead of what I said. But like I said, it was interesting to hear these stories from J's husband too.

He also shared with me about how he felt cheated by life. He said he has spent his whole life building up for the retirement they would share, which he will now most likely spend alone. All of his plans, their plans, are just gone. They live day to day now. My heart went out to him. In many ways I could understand. Kent does not have stage 4 cancer, for which I am SO very grateful. Having such different circumstances means I can't totally understand, but to an extent I can. Kent does still have cancer, and at least 3 times while in the hospital in January I was told my husband's prognosis was very bad, that I might lose him. We had just celebrated our 3 year anniversary when this all happened and there they were telling me that it was all about to end. To that extent, I also felt cheated. How did the 60+ years I had planned on, all the children and grandchildren, family vacations, our first home, all of it! how did that suddenly turn into he has years, maybe months to live? How could I cram 60+ years into such a short amount of time, especially with a very sick husband? Thankfully, his prognosis is much better now that all the emergencies from the beginning have been cleared up and we have all, or at least most of, the information, but there are days where "about 80%" still seems like a really low number, like getting the C or D on the paper instead of the A. At these times I am so grateful for the promise I have of forever with my sweetheart. Even if it ended right now (which it better not) I would be grateful for every second I have had with him, and I would anxiously look forward to the eternity I have ahead. There have been many experiences that have taught me the importance of forever families, and this one was definitely a BIG lesson. After talking with him, I really hope J and her family have that same blessing, that same promise that it doesn't end here. That if the Lord takes her home, that she will just be on the other side waiting for them.

Anyways, enough about me and this thought provoking conversation. Kent is halfway! I am so grateful for the strength the Lord has given us in helping us get through this. Everyday we feel His guiding hand, leading us, supporting us, and strengthening us. It is amazing how far we have come since January, and I know it was only done with the help of our Lord and our Redeemer. They are always there as a support, and they have provided us with wonderful family and friends who have also been with us every step. We love all of you and are so thankful for you!

*** Kennedy had a check up and the doctors think things look good for him. They aren't sure what to say because they were positive they were seizures, now they aren't sure if they really were or not. However, they think even if they are seizures that he will just grow up happy and healthy, that the seizures won't interfere. His development is great and they are SUPER optimistic for him! :) YAY!! :)



My forever family.

families can be together forever




Families can be together forever

Families can be together forever...


Thursday, May 1, 2014

Round 5

So far things are actually going quite well so far. We are feeling so blessed that our Heavenly Father is strengthening us. It has been a wonderful blessing for all of us: 1) Kent not having to feel so bad and 2) so Kennedy and I don't have to see him so miserable. It is really so hard to see the person I love more than anything in so much pain. I wish I could take it away, that it could be me in his place, but since things are this way I am so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord in helping us get through this.

This last Tuesday as we were waiting for chemo to start, we had a rather humbling, and in some ways frightening, conversation with "J". (For her privacy I won't disclose her name, although I don't think any of you will know here!)We see J every chemo trip. She is on the same chemo regime as Kent, for colon cancer. When we have spoken before we have shared ideas on how to overcome side effects, or even just empathizing together over feeling sick and miserable together. However, this time we talked more about the actual circumstances of what brought them here. We talked about how Kent is a stage 2, maybe 3, but because of complications they couldn't sit around and wait to officially determine. We had collectively decided to move ahead with chemotherapy instead of waiting to find out. As J shared her story, my heart broke for her. 10 years ago she had breast cancer. Fortunately it wasn't advanced enough to require chemo. She had surgery and was done. She said she had come in every year to be checked and had been clean. Her last check up was supposed to be her 10 year appointment and, at some point in that check up, she found out she had stage 4 colon cancer. My heart broke at this point. It is hard enough seeing all of these people so sick, but to hear her whole story was so sad. She said, even after all of that, she wishes she could take Kent's cancer from him. She said she would rather go through cancer a 3rd time then for Kent, as young as he is, to ever have to have experienced it. She has a daughter the same age as Kent and she said it makes her think of her kids when she sees Kent. She said just the night before she had spoken with her daughter and told her how heartbreaking it is to see "the sweet boy in the black sweatshirt and his cute little wife every week". Anyways, she said it was really sad that her last appointment ended up being the start of many more to come. My heart broke for her, and I am praying for her to recover quickly. The conversation also made me even more aware of where we stand. They have warned us and told us that it can come back, but I guess it was easier to think that he just won't get it again. It was a bit of a reality check for me that it is a very real possibility that it can come back, but I pray it won't. I am grateful for the knowledge though that Heavenly Father has a plan, and His plan is perfect, so if it comes back I am so grateful for the knowledge that the Lord will again help us work through it and we will be stronger in the end.

Back to Round 5: they are concerned about 2 things:
    1. He has had some temporary loss of muscle function. They are doing some tests to find out what it is so they can fix that.
     2. He has been having some severe abdominal pain around his surgical site. They are pretty concerned about this, especially because there is the possibility that he didn't heal properly which would be bad. He is scheduled for a CT scan next week to check, and we hope they can find the answer.

Other then that things are going fairly smoothly, for which we are EXTREMELY appreciative. The blessings keep pouring in. We are especially grateful for the wonderful doctors and nurses who are helping us through this. I am grateful they had the patience and ability to go through all that schooling so that they could know how to help my husband, along with countless other people, overcome this kind of trial.

*A quick update on Kennedy because we have been asked for one! :) He is doing really well. The "seizures" or whatever they are have slowed down quite a bit. For the most part he is having one a day, or less, which is really good. We are waiting to talk to our neurologist for further information on what the EEG showed, but we are pretty optimistic for him! It is another example of the many blessings we have received during this hard time.

I read this quote and just LOVED it! It clearly states a lot of what we have experienced so far this year.

God does not promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain.  But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.    http://spirituallythinking.blogspot.com/